i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
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People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.