March 16
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Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
That de-escalated quickly
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.