[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
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Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.