5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
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Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
mood
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh