Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
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Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
I bet
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.