I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
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I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
This is enough internet for the day.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*