4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
You Might Also Like
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
How do dragons blow out candles?
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“