A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
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Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.