My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
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If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
had to make it
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear