If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
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Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.