That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
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Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.