Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
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I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler