[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
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My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.