me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
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I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*