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*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
satan: not today, microsoft teams
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.