At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
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Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
kitchen magnet
Oops
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.