“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
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Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive