GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
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Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”