I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
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me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
This could be us but you eatin’
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver