Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
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Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.