You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
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BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?