Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
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when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.