How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
You Might Also Like
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.