Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
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Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2