the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
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*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?