Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
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If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.