Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
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“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*