I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
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Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”