Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
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Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!