So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
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Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Never mess with a drunken pig.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable