BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
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A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Meeeee too!
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.