it’s a van. how do they not know this
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My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Name this drama.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it