*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
You Might Also Like
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop