Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
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The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
I know karate and tons of other words.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.