It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
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Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
wow he looks just like him
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow