They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
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Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
⛄️
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.