This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
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SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me: