I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
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cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
I need this for my side hustle.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down