I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
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I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
“I wouldn’t.”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.