Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
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I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!