ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
You Might Also Like
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)