The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
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Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Love it! 👍😂
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.