Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
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—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
How animals would run if they were human
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.