Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
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Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.