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Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
My life in a nutshell