do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
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EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school