waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
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me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.