Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
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I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
When your best mate counts as a desk too
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.