Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
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I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.