If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
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Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me